25 things your congressional representative won’t EVER tell you (but know, deep down, to be true)!

  1. I could care less about you unless you donate money to me.
  2. My entire life is devoted to pandering to special interests.
  3. When I’m not involved in pandering, I’m bashing the opponent.
  4. Secretly, I’m having dinner with my opponent on your tax dime.
  5. If I say I’m conservative, that simply means I’m a social conservative but never met a federal earmark I didn’t like.
  6. If I say I’m liberal, that simply means I want I’m ballsy enough to admit I never met a federal earmark I didn’t like – the rest is negotiable.
  7. Your vote counts when a runoff looks likely, otherwise I don’t give a rats patootie about you!
  8. I’m religious when it matters – translation, when my poll numbers tank on real issues.
  9. Immigration is important to me for one reason – most of my contractors are breaking the law!
  10. If Citizens United is overturned by constitutional amendment, I will not run again, mainly because any yokel will be able to beat me on election day.
  11. I am perfectly happy with a two-party system because limited choices = job security.
  12. Publicly, I want every voter to cast their ballot but, secretly, I really want turnout a low as possible because that favors me.
  13. When I get family members to endorse me, it means I’m desperate to win even though it’s a safe bet I will.
  14. When I get fellow politicians to endorse me, it means I’ll have some serious favors to pay back and you’ll get thrown under the bus to do it.
  15. Chances are, the so-called “527” attack ads are based in a truth, but I have “527s” of my own fighting back.
  16. Those who donate the most to those groups will get the closest access to me (and I’ll even sponsor legislation they write.)
  17. The environment matters if I have a means to profit from it.
  18. I am for universal health care, unless it means I lose my Congressional Health Plan.
  19. If I return my salary, it means I’ve been paid off by someone else, or I’ve got a ton of investments somewhere else.
  20. If I end up leaving office, chances are I already have a job lined up with a big campaign donor.
  21. If I’m a former executive running for office and win, you are up a creek without a paddle.
  22. If I’m a former teacher running for office and win, I won’t be taken seriously so forget me getting any real work done.
  23. If I’m a former lawyer running for office and win, I’m going to use my office to write legislation to get even with everyone who trashed me.
  24. If I’m a former average guy running for election and win, look for the clouds to part, the Capitol Building to be swallowed up by a black hole, and Congress to run for the hill because the apocalypse is truly upon us.
  25. Chances are, if I’m in Washington, I make three times as much as you do, and will do everything in my power to keep it that way!

If you like this post, please check out my website and my book, A 38 Day Education, available on my website.

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