As many of you who read this know, I try like hell not to blog about my personal life and issues I’m experiencing. Today, I’m starting to realize one very startling fact – I am feeling a serious case of the “blahs.”
I’m happy writing, I really am. There’s nothing in this world I truly love doing more than put pen to paper, figuratively speaking. Having a novel published, several more works on the way, a nascent writing business online and a few blogs which are slowly gaining a steady following, I should be happy and content, right?
Well, there’s a simple wrinkle – like so many other writers, I have a day job, and I put a brave face on every day to do it.
This is not a swipe at my employer or the people I work with. I am quite grateful for the work I have, the benefits which come with it, and the fact that I can wake up each morning and know that I can go to work and earn a living for my family. The problem is that I have to come to grips with the reality that this is all it may ever be. It’s not easy having to wake up, look at yourself in the mirror, and realize that, being male and over 40 means that the job world has decided to look at you and say “Thanks, but you cost a little too much for our tastes.”
Add to that the fact that I am still in the process of finishing my Bachelors, realizing it is now worth about as much as High School Diploma in 1979, and I have become acutely aware of just how cruel and cutthroat this world really is.
Nope, it’s not easy, but it is a reality which I’ve come to accept because, honestly, the only person who can make my own luck is me. Lately, I’ve been coming up lemons on the career slot machine when I would really like to get cherries. The worst part is this sounds like a family-sized can of “Woe Is Me” when I’m really just trying to flush out the remaining blah that’s in my system.
There’s no question I would love a job in which I can truly use my talents. Writing, communicating, presenting…all those are things which I am well suited for. Job boards don’t cut it, and internal positions where I work tend to go to those with connections or, more often, the right set of educational and demographic tools. Frustration, thy name is me.
While I remain confident in my life and the direction it’s heading, this is one of those minor dips where you tend to lose traction and, more often than not, faith. It takes three times as much energy to get out of it as it does to keep driving once you are on smooth pavement. For the better part of 40 years, my life has been the equivalent of driving a Pennsylvania interstate right after spring thaw – I’m still waiting for the orange cones and the road construction crews to leave and a fresh, smooth road with no grade, no potholes, and no steep cliffs on either side to grace my life. Yes, there are many others in far worse shape but, as the saying goes, your problems are the biggest problems in the world at that moment.
Here’s to getting myself out of that dip soon and guiding myself back onto smooth pavement and, just maybe, looking at myself in the mirror tomorrow and smiling at who I am.