49 reasons the Super Bowl is less-than “Must See TV”

I’m not a huge fan of the Super Bowl for several reasons, here’s 49 of them.

  • Ray Rice’s School of Domestic Relations.
  • Roger Goodell doing his impersonation of “What, Me Worry?”
  • Cris Collingsworth…two fingers pinching nose, two more down throat.
  • Three words: Personal Seat Licenses
  • Jon Gruden gushing marquee players on Monday Night Football.
  • Vegas bookmakers.
  • Fieldturf
  • AT&T Stadium (a.k.a. “Darth Vader Dome”)
  • Jerry Jones being…well, Jerry Jones.
  • Independent contractors being part of a trade association and calling it a union. (NFLPA)
  • The NFL being technically classified as a “non profit organization.” (Seriously, look it up!)
  • Super Bowl 50 in San Francisco instead of Los Angeles – sorry, historical OCD kicking in here.
  • Exclusive sponsorship contracts.
  • Dolphin fans going on and on and on about 1972.
  • Mick Jagger during a previous halftime show – even Katy Perry can’t wipe out that memory.
  • Deflategate – when did Tom Brady and Bill Belichick suddenly learn to channel Richard Nixon?
  • Stupid Fiat commercials.
  • Stupid screaming goats.
  • Predictable play calling.
  • James Spader in anything but “Stargate: SG-1”
  • Overdone game graphics.
  • Endless droning about how the Patriots are “the best” at something.
  • Endless droning about how the Seahawks are “the most relentless” at something.
  • Endless droning about drive starts, red zone offense, and third down conversion rates.
  • PETA saying ANYTHING about Super Bowl food.
  • Erectile dysfunction ads which warn about 4 hour erections.
  • Fifteen commercial breaks followed by the two minute warning, followed by each team using their timeouts to turn the last 5 minutes of the half into a one-hour soap opera.
  • Officials trying to get face time.
  • Cris Collingsworth saying “it just doesn’t get worse than that,” because you KNOW it’s gonna’ get worse than that!
  • Complaints by the NFL Players Association about concussions followed two months later by the NFL and NFLPA releasing DVDs of the “Nastiest Hits” featuring hits causing said concussions.
  • Quarterbacks not being allowed to be sacked in the Pro Bowl.
  • The announcers making “Captain Obvious” points.
  • Prop betting – if you have to make a wager with a Vegas book on the odds of Katy Perry showing cleavage, you have a gambling problem (FYI – this is a REAL prop bet!)
  • Commercials featuring throat singing mantras – late addition!
  • Equating Tom Brady to Joe Montana in way, shape or form! (Montana is way better and everyone knows it!)
  • Uniforms that look like something out of “Total Recall.”
  • A stadium which looks like a metallic slug.
  • More snow hit Atlanta in 2014 than Metlife Stadium for Super Bowl 48 (sorry, had to get that out!)
  • Stupid explanations of obvious strategy decisions.
  • Cris Collingsworth’s complete ignorance infecting Al Michaels enough that even HE sounds like a blithering idiot!
  • Cris Collingsworth saying the Patriots’ coaching staff “isn’t a bunch of dummies.” They made the Super Bowl, dumbass!  Of course they aren’t a bunch of dummies!  Jackasses, idiots, cheaters….that’s another story. (and yes, serious anti-Cris Collingsworth bias here!)
  • The game being played a stadium named for a university with NO FOOTBALL PROGRAM!
  • Gratuitous product shots.
  • Giant beach balls and surfboards featured in ANY halftime show!
  • Getting the CROWD involved in the halftime show!!!!! Sorry, Super Bowl Fail!
  • Super Bowl Callback that hasn’t been re-used – EyeVision! (If you don’t know what it was, look it up!)
  • NBC using its “The More You Know” star for the halftime show!
  • Realizing that there’s still two more quarters of awful football left!

And the MAIN reason I cannot watch the Super Bowl, even though I am watching it (and rolling my eyes):

  • Knowing no matter who does the National Anthem, and how great they perform it, the gold standard will always be Super Bowl 25, when Whitney Houston and the Florida Orchestra blew the doors off the Star Spangled Banner as Gulf War I was unfolding!

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