North Korea has issued its strongest worded warning to both the United States and South Korea, warning of military actions against American and South Korean targets. News agencies and government groups around the world are alarmed at the belligerent statements, but a deeper analysis of the press release suggests a far more interesting approach. We inside “The Head” have taken to analyzing this release over a pot of coffee, a ton of boxed macaroni and cheese, and several uncooked hot dogs. We have chosen to provide a paragraph-by-paragraph translation of this address from the North Korea News Agency, KCNA, which we believe is actually a low-power radio station based in Austin, Texas and is intended to annoy the everloving shit out of conspiracy nut Alex Jones.
Pyongyang, August 15 (KCNA) — A spokesman for the National Defence Commission (NDC) of the DPRK Saturday issued the following statement:
TRANSLATION: “This is a special report from KCNA Nightly News. Substituting for Kim Jong Un, Kim Jong Nu.
The further Ulji Freedom Guardian joint military exercises are intensified, the strongest military counteraction the DPRK will take to cope with them.
TRANSLATION: Tensions mounted today when Dear Leader Superstar Eternal Potentate Kim Jong Un was blocked from Facebook over “spamming” allegations. Here are some of the principal grievances:
The gravity of Ulji Freedom Guardian which would kick off on August 17 lies in mounting a surprise preemptive attack on the DPRK by mobilizing the “south Korea-U.S. joint division” with a mission to “eliminate the headquarters” and “occupy Pyongyang” and all war means for aggression at home and abroad and deploying all operation command posts.
TRANSLATION: Our Dear Leader Superstar Eternal Potentate was also outraged to learn that his bootleg DirecTV subscription and it’s NFL Sunday Ticket had been blocked. Our nation grieves that our leader cannot watch the exploits of the great and powerful army known as the New England Patriots. The Leader has called upon us all to boycott the American sport until the Superstar Most Excellent Leader Tom Brady is allowed to use his intelligence gathering systems to full potential to achieve victory.
The army and people of the DPRK are no longer what they used to be in the past when they had to counter the U.S. nukes with rifles.
TRANSLATION: Our Leader wants less Kardashians, more “Big Bang Theory.”
The DPRK is the invincible power equipped with both latest offensive and defensive means unknown to the world including nuclear deterrence.
TRANSLATION: We have the ability to shut down every Star Trek and porn-related site on the planet at the touch of a button.
The U.S. had better make a bold political decision of rolling back its anachronistic DPRK policy.
TRANSLATION: And you’d better ship us over LOTS of that great food called “New York Style Pizza.”
By doing so, it can ensure the security of its mainland facing the DPRK’s strongest counteraction.
TRANSLATION: And if you don’t want additional retaliation, a container ship full of Tums.
The U.S. should keenly realize that the harsher sanctions and blockade it slaps against the DPRK and the more desperately the U.S. is working to stifle it, the more strongly it will retaliate against the U.S. with tremendous muscle.
TRANSLATION: America doesn’t scare us for one reason – we just got L.A. Fitness and Subway!!!!
It is the inevitable truth that force of justice gets stronger than that of injustice.
TRANSLATION: We just got our box set of the entire Law & Order series, so we’re onto you!
It is necessary for the U.S. to seriously recollect its proverb that it is only corpse and fool that refuse to face up to the trend of the times.
TRANSLATION: Something about a proverb. The shipment of vodka from Russia just arrived! Woohoo!
It is the only way out for the U.S. for improving its deplorable position to make a switchover in its hostile policy toward DPRK.
TRANSLATION: Less Trump, More Brian Williams!
Always miserable is the end of the war maniacs.
TRANSLATION: Keep American Idol and Ryan Seacrest, or else!