Sci-Fi Mashup: One simply doesn’t yada yada yada


It is the year 2408 and the Federation is on the verge of all-out war with the Klingon Empire.  The USS Enterprise-F, Vanguard, Shran and Soval are all en route to a spatial distortion field reported by a Federation subspace beacon near the Klingon border.  Acting Captain Wesley Crusher commands the Enterprise-F, while Captain Miles O’Brien commands the Vanguard, and Captain Tuvok commands the Shran.  The Soval is commanded by newly minted Captain Data, whose primitive B-4 brain has been greatly enhanced using old notes left by his creator.


HELMSMAN:  We’ve arrived at the spatial distortion field, Captain.

CRUSHER:  Hold position.  Commander Roshenko, any readings?

ROSHENKO:  None, Captain.  *klaxon* Wait, there is a vessel coming through the field.

(Suddenly, the Jackhammer from “Transformers Prime” comes through the distortion field, chased by several Cylon raiders, who are chased by the IAS Excalibur and the Millenium Falcon.)

CRUSHER:  What in the name of…*sudden impacts of torpedoes and particle cannons* report!

HELMSMAN:  Shields holding, but dropping steadily.  We’re caught in the crossfire.

CRUSHER:  Move us away from the field.  Crusher to fleet; move away from the field and give the unknown combatants room.

JACKHAMMER – Wheeljack and Ultra Magnus are badly injured.  Bulkhead and Knockout are operating the vessel.

BULKHEAD:  We’ve gotta get our guys to safety!  Knockout, what’s our heading?

KNOCKOUT:  I have no clue!  That distortion field scrambled everything *blast causes a panel to wing off Knockout’s shoulder, scratching his paint*  Scrap!  I just had that buffed!

BULKHEAD *tapping comm system*:  This is the Autobot Warship Jackhammer to unknown vessels.  We mean you no harm.  We’ve been chased by these strange craft through a wormhole and now it seems like we are somewhere else.


CRUSHER:   Autobots?  Helm, verify their weapons status.

HELMSMAN:  Weapons are down.  They have minimal shields.  It appears the ship following them isn’t advanced.

CRUSHER:  Open a channel *signal open channel*  This is Captain Wesley Crusher of the Starship Enterprise.  We will assist you, Jackhammer.  Come about and to the aft of our ship.  Our fleet will offer protection.

*screech of Cylon raider*:  Do not resist.  We will destroy you!

CRUSHER:  Status of that fighter.  Anything that can hurt us.

HELMSMAN:  This is odd.  It showed two thermonuclear torpedoes.

CRUSHER:  Wait, did you just say “thermonuclear?”  Commander, confirm.

ROSHENKO:  Confirmed, sir.  Two megaton warheads.  Our shields can easily withstand the blast.

CRUSHER:  And our weapons?

ROSHENKO:  A single photon torpedo, sir, minimal yield.

CRUSHER:  Fire when ready.

ROSHENKO:  Aye, sir.

Enterprise-F locks onto the raider, and fires a single torpedo, destroying it.  The Millenium Falcon and Excalibur come to a dead stop in front of the fleet.

CRUSHER:  Anything?

ROSHENKO:  Negative, sir.  Both ships are holding relative to our position.  I read three life signs aboard the small ship, over 100 on the larger.

Aboard the Excalibur

SHOK’NA DAVID SHERIDAN:  What do you make of it, Commander?

COMMANDER SHELDON COOPER:  Hardly intriguing.  In fact, it would appear that we are in the middle of what would best be described as “Schrodingers Mexican Standoff.”

SHERIDAN:  Remind me again why the Anla’shok assigned you to my ship.

COOPER:  All the other ships said they were fully staffed.

SHERIDAN:  Allegedly.  *Thanks Mom, for instilling me with that stilted sense of egalitarianism*  Mr. Cooper, open a channel.

COOPER:  Sir, I hardly think that’s wise.  We don’t know the linguistic capabilities of these vessels.  For all we know, they could have squid heads and elephant bodies.

SHERIDAN:  Been talking to the Garibaldi girl again, I see.

COOPER *horrified*:  I am shocked, sir!  You know full well I am repulsed by human contact.

SHERIDAN:  And yet, you’re _here_

COOPER:  A minor oversight, but very well.  Channel open…don’t say I didn’t tell ya so.

SHERIDAN:  Duly noted.  This is Captain David Sheridan of the Excalibur.  We noticed you destroyed a renegade raider ship with one blast.  I would like to discuss a possible meeting to exchange tactical information.

(Crusher appears on the screen)

CRUSHER:  Captain Sheridan, one does not simply ask a Federation ship for its secrets.

COOPER:  You stole that from Lord of the Rings!  Thief!

CRUSHER:  Captain, kindly refrain your officer from speaking to me in that tone.

SHERIDAN:  If I could, I would.  Trust me!

Aboard the Jackhammer

BULKHEAD:  Is it just me, or does that one human sound like a really bad version of Starscream?

KNOCKOUT:  Primus forbid *hears Ultra Magnus groaning*  Sir, are you feeling better?

ULTRA MAGNUS:  I’m doing better, thank you soldier.  However, I strongly advise we go back through that distortion field.  It appears we are in an alternate reality with (looks at viewscreen and sees Commander Cooper) a very insolent life form.

BULKHEAD:  You _recognize_ him?

Wheeljack gets up and limps to the screen.

WHEELJACK:  Yeah, we do.  He’s one of the humans they call a “know it all.”  Real pain in the cylinder.  He’s like a fleshing version of Megatron, only more annoying and less spark-threatening.

(back aboard the Excalibur)

SHERIDAN:  Captain Crusher, I would be honored to share information with you aboard a neutral ship.

CRUSHER:  What do you suggest?

SHERIDAN:  How about the small vessel adjacent to us.

(Han Solo pops on the viewscreen)

SOLO:  Hey!  I never agreed to this!

C3PO:  Sir, might I suggest that your course of action is unwise.  Both of those ships could obliterate us several times over.

COOPER:  I like that robot!  He’s got the sort of unfeeling nervous callow attitude I find endearing.

SHERIDAN:  Would you like to join him?

COOPER:  Oh, heavens no!  I’m accustomed to my life here.


C3PO:  Sir, I would like to suggest we accommodate their request.

SOLO:  Like hell!  Chewie, power up the weapons.

COOPER:  My word!  They’re prepared to attack us.

SHERIDAN:  What, seriously?

CRUSHER:  They must be joking.


(both the Excalibur and Enterprise target the Millennium Falcon)

C3PO:  Sir, the odds of surviving this situation are 200 trillion to

SOLO:  Never tell me the….

(Flash of light as the Falcon is destroyed)

CRUSHER:  Ah, now where we?

SHERIDAN:  I believe we were (lights dim) what the hell?

(The Excalibur suddenly discharges its super quantum cannon at the Enterprise-F, striking its warp core directly, destroying the entire ship)

SHERIDAN:  What the hell?

COOPER (Looking smug):  You left me no choice, captain!  You both destroyed that delightful droid!

SHERIDAN (taps comm console);  Jackhammer, are you with me?

BULKHEAD:  We’re here!

SHERIDAN:  I’m about to eject something.  Feel free to use it for target practice!

(Two rangers subdue Commander Cooper, toss him in an Evac suit, and eject him through an airlock).

SHERIDAN:  He’s all yours!

KNOCKOUT:  Targeting that annoying little human!

ULTRA MAGNUS:  Optimus Prime wouldn’t approve of this!

COOPER:  You all are in my spot.

ULTRA MAGNUS:  That’s it (tapping the firing control) I can’t deal with this anymore!

(Jackhammer fires at Cooper, blowing his suit apart)

BULKHEAD:  Safe journeys, Excalibur

SHERIDAN:  You two, Jackhammer!  (looks at the crew) Okay, activate jump engines to…I don’t know…anywhere but this hellhole!

(Jackhammer and Excalibur both warp out, while Darth Sidous’ ship comes through the vortex and notices Cooper’s pieces)

SIDIOUS:  Get him onboard this vessel.  Quickly.

(Hours later, a slimmer looking version of Darth Vader emerges from the shadow, breathing.  He walks up to Darth Sidious).

SIDIOUS:  What is it, my student?

VADER:  You’re in my spot.

(Force chokes Sidious to death.)

VADER:  Mwah  Ha ha!


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