Now that college and pro football are in full swing, there is a tremendous amount of attention being paid to the various scandals involving said athletes, coaches, and owners. In the interest of never taking a damned thing about football seriously, I offer my take on the hottest rivalries in college football, based on no other data except what I’ve read online and witnessed firsthand. In other words, this post is, much as the worthless lines given out by newspaper sports columnists regarding said games, for entertainment purposes only.
Alabama/Auburn: Called the “Iron Bowl” (unofficially “The Big Fat Kegger”) this game traditionally features both schools screaming at each about who is better at various traditions, such as draining kegs, setting cars on fire, and landing beanbags atop the roofs of first response vehicles. “Bama” may have Forrest Gump, but Auburn has fans screaming that insufferable battle cry “War Eagle.” (Yes, I know what it means and the tradition behind it; that doesn’t make it any less insufferable.)
Georgia/Florida: Called “The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Shrimp Eating and Barfing Party,” this rivalry game, played at the “neutral” Everbank Stadium in Jacksonville, is essentially an extension of every high school rivalry in existence, right down to the near-constant griping by Bulldog fans (even when they win) about how this is essentially a Florida home game. Gator fans do the “Gator Chomp,” “Gator Flip,” and “Gator Egg Lay” while Bulldog fans simply take a whizz on the outside of stadium when they win.
Ohio State/Michigan: This battle is one of college football’s oldest and nastiest. When played in Ann Arbor, over 100,000 people manage to cram into the stadium, temporarily turning the city into the single most obnoxious place in the universe. When played in Columbus, the “Big Horseshoe” transforms from what really looks like (when viewed overhead) a giant outhouse seat (seriously!) into a really, really, really smelly outhouse seat! Oh, and usually a national title is on the line, but nobody outside Michigan, Ohio or Las Vegas really cares.
Notre Dame/USC: Another one of America’s oldest college football rivalries, the Fighting Irish and the Trojans lock horns at some time during the year, though most people really forgot the reason behind the rivalry. Damned if I know either; I think it has to do with something former President Ronald Reagan said during a movie. Then again, it could have to do with the fact the Trojans are regarded as the epitome of evil and the Fighting Irish regarded as good because of a mural called “Touchdown Jesus,” in which Christ himself appears to be celebrating the fact there were no recruiting violations at Notre Dame for a change. (Yes, I expect Pope Francis to excommunicate for this one!)
Texas/Texas A&M: This rivalry is more than just a game. It’s a war for the soul of the Lone Star State! It’s about pride! It’s about manhood! It’s about…wait a second, what the hell do I care?? I’m not from Texas! This game only matters to me because I’ve been told, from reliable sources, that they have killer tailgate food.
Kansas State/Nebraska: This battle of the Great Plains matters because the Wildcats usually go to Lincoln, Nebraska at least once a year, find a cornfield, and make a maze which spells out “Wildcats Rule, Huskers Suck,” then tip a bunch of cows. There’s also usually a game played, though I can’t remember when it is.
Cal/Stanford: This is known by several names, most recently as the “Big Stoner Fight.” The Stanford Cardinal, which is really just a big red tree, traditionally attempt to battle the Cal-Berkeley Stoned Hippie Bears to a standstill every year, hoping to somehow relive the infamous “band game” in which several members of the Stanford Marching Band were abducted by aliens and dropped on the field at the end of the game.
Oregon/Oregon State: This game, featuring the Fighting Ducks and Fighting Beavers, is also known as the “Funniest Double-Entendre Headline Opportunity Game in the Universe.” Generally, both teams are wearing uniforms bright and ugly enough to both be seen from space and ward off any pending alien invasion.
Florida State/Florida: This game has known informally by many names, usually based on the annual scandal which befalls one or both teams. This year, it is likely to be known as the “Someone Got Arrested for Doing Something Boneheaded Bowl,” because, as of this moment, they are both on their best behavior. That is subject to change without notice, as are the arrest records for each respective team’s players.
Georgia/Georgia Tech: This game is called “Good Old Fashioned Hate” because, frankly, neither team wants to see each other at their town’s location of the Varsity restaurant afterwards. Tech fans are called “Nerds” by Bulldog fans, and Tech fans have a battery of grad students working on a way to get Bulldog players in trouble every year. Last year they developed an alternate reality where former running back Todd Gurley got ratted out by a Gator fan for selling autographs. This year, it was a failed attempt to get a player in trouble for making threats at a Chilis.
Kansas/Missouri: This is affectionately known as the “Who Gives A Rat’s Ass Game.” Seriously, the Jayhawks last threatened for the national title when South Florida was ranked, and that was later proven to be just a practical joke by the pollsters to make Bulls fans feel good about themselves.
Harvard/Yale: This game is an important rivalry because it harkens back to the days of old when football players were students first, politicians second, scandal-plagued rich kids third, sociopathic deviants fourth, social darwinistic elitists fifth, and finally, actual athletes. Oh wait, that hasn’t changed? Nevermind then, resume your regularly-scheduled sneering at these teams and their one-percent boosters.
Army/Navy: I respect the military too much to pick on these two teams. They played good games, too, and have a great tradition of colorful side wagers. Plus, Navy’s mascot is goat! You’ve gotta have stones the size of battleship shells to be cool with that!
Hawaii/Boise State: How can you not love a rivalry in which one game is played in paradise, and the next is played indoors on something called “Smurf Turf.” Usually a high scoring affair, both teams also play a game on the field too!
One last one…
This game matters because the only thing more insufferable than Patriot, Cowboy, Bulldog, Gator, or Fighting Irish Fans are the flag-waving phonies who come out of the woodwork to cheer on the Hurricanes when they have a winning season. When this happens, “Whatever Its Name Is THIS Year” Stadium in Fort Lauderdale suddenly turns into a scene of drunken debauchery, and that’s just the 2LiveCrew Reunion Tent!