My current project, aside from discovering new and creative ways to stop my cats from knocking every known paper in my house off the dining room table, is studying Spanish. The goal, as some of you may know, is to pass my College Level Equivalency Program Examination, colloquially known as the “Shit Just Got Real Test.” Passing this particular exam will serve two very important purposes; first, it will allow me to obtain the necessary remaining credits to graduate from my university in the most expeditious way possible, but there is a far more important reason for learning this language and passing the exam.
I’ll be in possession of not only a Bachelor’s Degree, but will also be able to call Donald Trump a vacuous, arrogant gasbag in two languages!
Spanish is a rather remarkable language. Based in Latin, it falls under the category of “Romance Languages,” or tongues you would most want to hear in your ear while watching Fifty Shades of Grey on DVD (parent guidance mildly suggested.) There is a bit of a learning curve, as all nouns have a gender, meaning they are either masculine (“el”) or feminine (“la”). Contrast that to the world’s fastest growing language, Klingon, and you discover that anyone who attempts to first speak Spanish then the mother tongue of an alien race will get you very weird looks in your local Mexican restaurant. They don’t even have a word for burrito, though there is, oddly enough, a Klingon phrase for “where do you keep the chocolate” – nuqDaq yuch Dapol (seriously).
One of the beauties of Spanish is the fact that many of the nouns and verbs used are actually borrowed from English and those which are not, such as the verb for the word believe (creer), are actually taken from a Latin root. This makes Spanish rather simple to learn from a vocabulary sense; most of the common Spanish verbs and nouns are actually rather common to English speakers, such as amar (“to love”), pensar (“to think”), pantalones (“pants”), telefono (“telephone”), hamburgesa (“hamburger”), and bolsa de gas (“gasbag”). Some, however, are a little trickier, such as mil (“thousand”), agua (“water”), leche (“milk”), and ser (“to be”), are actually derived from their Latin origins, which means that, technically, learning Latin could, theoretically, allow one to learn not only Spanish, the language named by Ugly Americans Worldwide as the smelliest on earth: French.
That being said, here are some common Spanish sentences and how they translate:
Me llamo Senor John Guzzardo – “My name is Mr. John Guzzardo.”
Yo soy para Atlanta, Georgia – “I am from Atlanta, Georgia.”
Yo gusta beisbol, hockey y escribiando cuentos. – “I like baseball, hockey and writing stories.”
Mi coche es de cinco anos de edad. – “My car is five years old.”
Trump es una vacuo bolsa de gas, y teine muy cabello loco. – “Trump is a vacuous gasbag, and has crazy hair.”
El periódico Playboy no es mismo sin fotos de mujeres calientes. – “Playboy ain’t the same since they took out the hot chicks!”
Ka’Pla! Esta un loco madre*bleep* – “Ahhh shit! We mixed Klingon and Spanish again! Please pardon the mistranslation.”
Yes, I am well on my way to learning this language to where I need to be in order to pass this test. The goal is to finish the test, graduate from Georgia Southwestern State University, and promptly attempt a Donald Trump Rally here in Atlanta where I can, conceivably , be able to scream Spanish slurs, then wave my Real ID Legion of Doom Identicard at the security officers, and scream in my newly adopted native tongue, in best cartoon supervillain voice, “Yo viaje a universidad!”
Double points to any Spongebob fan who gets that joke! Triple points if you can actually do the voice.