It seems like every day there is an alert or emergency broadcast of some sort. If it’s not a “News Bulletin Alert” for a political crisis involving or more Congressional members divulging their use of taxpayer dollars for the study of combustible dust, it’s one of thousands of reported sightings of a so-called “megastructure” around a star, with ET-enthusiast renditions which looks like a cross between a disco ball and the Death Star. This of course, has brought me to a concept we should consider; a variation of the Emergency Alert System, only designed to alert people to everyday annoyances.
As you know unless you’ve been hammered on enough beer to send hops futures skyrocketing, the Emergency Alert System, or EEP, is a remastered version of the Emergency Broadcast System, or BASF. The former replaces the latter, which was the last and shall come first, and the first shall – wait, sorry, was watching a Creflo Dollar televangelist ad on television. Now, where were we? Oh yeah, the Emergency Alert System features three long annoying tones, followed by three short annoying tones, and is always played right in the middle of the really good part of your favorite TV show. In my case, that would be right in the middle of an episode of Sleepy Hollow where Ichabod is about to say something really creepy about an apocalyptic prophecy, but the alert comes on as a “test.” It certainly tests my patience, as I miss the entirety of what becomes a foreshadowing moment in a great series which features both ghosts, demons, and cops, but I’m really digressing now and, for me, that’s saying something.
Anyway, this system replaces the Emergency Broadcast System which, despite it’s brain-numbing tone which writers such as myself can only describe as a really whiny version of Seth Green going “OY”, still had the decency to be conducted during a commercial break. Who cares if China just lobbed a dozen nuclear-tipped ICBMs at North America – Ichabod and Katrina are about to get it on in a cemetery, for goodness sakes!
Now that our loin-girding moment of supernatural induced lust is behind us, let’s take a look at some of the “Everyday Alert System” samples:
THE ATTENTION-GETTING CHILD RANGE TEST ALERT:
This test is designed to remind everyone in a crowded store or office that a young child looking for parental attention is nearby. In the event this was an actual attempt at getting attention by said child, the ear-splitting screech you just heard would be far longer, certainly stroke-inducing, and result in the parents getting enough nasty looks to warrant the purchase of a very large adult beverage, which would be consumed in the privacy of their home under a fort of pillows which still couldn’t drown out the screech.
THE ANGRY GIRLFRIEND/WIFE CATCHING HIM IN THE ACT ALERT:
This test is designed to remind men that getting their jollies with a person other their spouse/significant in their own home is potentially hazardous to their health. In the event this was an actual instance of a woman (man as well, to be gender neutral) walking in on her beau “doing the deed,” the “WHAT” you just heard would have likely been followed by the words “bitch,” “slut,” “skank,” “whore,” “cheater,” and “divorce,” and not necessarily in that order (and not necessarily all at the female), with potential flying objects also involved.
THE OVERDRAWN CHECKING ACCOUNT SHOCK ALERT:
This test is designed to remind us of the main signs of potential cardiac arrest following a trip to the ATM. In the event this was an actual overdrawn checking account, the “WTF” you just witness would be accompanied by additional profanities, possible kicking of the ATM, storming into the branch to speak with the Branch Manager, and quit telling me I have had so many fees refunded because we all know your freaking overdrafts only cost 25 cents to cover, not that I actually know about the nuances of this particular alert. It’s just an idea – you can put the police hotline phones down now.
THE INDIGESTION FLATULENCE FOLLOWING BY DOOM DIARRHEA ALERT
This test should be self explanatory, but millennials may not get it, so here goes: it’s intended to alert you to potential issues with your bowels in the event you eat 20 Red Vines, 10 chocolate bars, 2 whole pizzas, and still save room for a small bag of Haribo Sugar Free Gummi Bears. In the event this was an actual case of said indigestion, the loud noise which would sound either like a lot of air being let out of a latex balloon, or several shots from a 9 mm semiautomatic pistol, would be followed by a mad dash to the nearest restroom in such a fashion that even infants in strollers would be regarded in the same league as the Seattle Seahawks defensive line. This, of course, is contingent upon one actually arriving at the bathroom before the dreaded “brown streak.”
THE STAR WARS MEME OVERLOAD ALERT
Again, this should be self explanatory, so I won’t even both to explain it. In the event this is actual Star Wars Meme Overload, the Darth Vader breath voice you just heard would be replaced by blaster fire, Chewbacca going “RAAARRRR” a billion times, and the Death Star blowing up, followed by the trailer for Star Wars, Episode VIII: The Force Bathes Chewie.
THE GAME OF THRONES GRUESOME DEATH SCENE ALERT
Oh, for the love of God, if I have to explain this one, you shouldn’t even bother reading this blog! In the event this is an actual GoT Gruesome Death Incident, the gagging and retching sound you just heard would be followed by gratuitous sex, limb severing, and speculation on the identity of Jon Snow, and that’s before House Lannister even figures out when the hell Turnip stuck Littlefinger’s talisman, and of course that’s just a guess because we all know that pot girls don’t know where the hell the Master of Coin would actually keep said talisman, though it certainly isn’t within anyone’s cleavage, right?
And finally, we come to…
THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE TIME LIMIT WHINING ALERT
In the event this was actual instance of President Debate Time Limit Whining, the shrill voice of Hillary Clinton you just heard would be followed by Donald Trump talking about “losers” and “making America great again,” followed by him hawking hats for his campaign which say the same thing, but are actually made in China.
Now, this being revealed, it’s time for me to retire to my bed until I hear of Cellphone Wake Up Alert, which will be followed by a Screen Shattering Throw Incident.