Winter Storm 2016 – Live, Local, and (not really) factual coverage


Shown:  Snowjam 2014 traffic pileups in Atlanta.  Not shown:  Genuine leadership during this crisis.

An hour-by-hour, blow-by-blow, flake-by-flake (not precipitation, mind you) update of tonight’s storm coverage of Atlanta’s latest winter storm threat, code named “UGA 22”.

6:30 PM – Weather centers go into Storm Alert Hyper Command Central Super Master God Mode, and meteorologists report a run on concealer at local drug stores, purchased by interns at local television stations.

7:15 PM – Alabama officials declare a state of emergency when the University of Alabama, hit hard by the storm in advance of its effects on the state, runs out of beer.

7:40 PM – A disaster declaration is issued for 1,921 counties in Tennessee, but officials quickly retract that as a case of “mistaken mathematics.”  Hockey fans in Nashville erupt into celebratory drunkenness when the Predators reveal they actually won a game.

8:01 PM – Georgia Governor Nathan Deal, in a stunning act of clarity, declares the winter storm “snowy.”  He advises all government officials to engage in business as usual tomorrow, and simply stay home.

8:45 PM – Walker County, Georgia officials declare a Countywide State of Readiness, then pull it back when they realize Bebe Heiskell isn’t there, and declare an “Actual, Real, Honest-to-God State of Emergency – Yes folks, we MEAN IT THIS TIME!”

9:10 PM – The United States Government announce plans for “Jade Helm 2102233:  Winter is Coming.”  House Lannister immediately declares war on the United States.

9:23 PM – Sumter County, Georgia advises residents to stay in their homes until the storm passes, but that advisory is cancelled when citizens in Americus suddenly begin asking why public input on the advisory was denied.

9:40 PM – All Atlanta television stations convert to DEFCON -3:  Snowpocalyptic Zombies when a purported video surfaces showing Elsa being bitten by a moose and walking around eating snowman brains.

9:41 PM  – Five accidents, all involving squirrels, occur in Walker County.  No injuries are reported, as these accidents involved drunk people on bicycles.

10:05 PM – Northeast Georgia is declared a pre-emptive “disaster zone” as the result of forecasted blizzard conditions including wind, rain and 2 inches of snow.

10:10 PM – An incident in Dahlonega is averted when fans of the Hunger Games were reminded the advisory was for “Snow, not President Snow!”

10:18 PM – The University of Georgia, in an effort to avert a snow-related disaster, offer former Head Coach Mark Richt his job back in exchange for a prayer vigil at Sanford Stadium.

10:24 PM – NASA scientists announce a rogue planet on the outskirts of Pluto which is three times its size, features hot and cold running water, and a mischievous looking blue man tossing snowballs towards earth.  They forecast the snowballs to hit Atlanta around 3 PM, EST, on March 9, 2032.  Governor Nathan Deal issues a post-dated disaster declaration.

10:33 PM – Atlanta radio stations begin declaring themselves the “Local, Live, Late Breaking, 24 hour storm and traffic disaster station, and all your local hits, all the time.”  Local officials refuse comment.

10:45 PM – Kylo Ren was asked for comment on the snowstorm, but stabbed the cameraman with his lightsaber.

11:01 PM – Ice crystals began forming on the front doors of local businesses.  Local television stations spring into action with “live, local, late breaking and round the clock super coverage of the Winter Storm.”

And so it goes.  Happy motoring, stay safe, be sure to tip your news anchor.  He or she is on duty, watching the storm and waiting for the next accident to hit.

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