Time for a little biting sarcasm again. We’ve all heard these “breakup” statements, sometimes stated as ultimatums, and sometimes just a cover for what they really mean. Based on personal experience (and most of it highly questionable, erroneous, and the result of cat dander-induced hallucinations), here are some “translations” for some of the more common breakup statements and post-breakup battle cries.
Statement: It’s not you, it’s me
Translation: You’re a needy, crazy, weird person and I’d rather drink sulfuric acid through a straw than ever be in the same area code as you.
Statement: Random Bible Verse
Translation: I’m using religion to assuage my conscience for being a complete jerk to you.
Statement: Sometimes it’s because you’re stupid and you make bad choices.
Translation: I have zero empathy for anything you’ve ever been through, but you can bet your sweet ass that I’ll be whining like a little baby when I need assistance or an ear to bend. Oh, and I’ll be talking massive shit about you.
Statement: Girl power
Translation: Men are pigs, but I’ll admit that I’m scared to freaking death that what I did at (insert drunken party here) has been recorded somehow and will come back to bite me in the ass because, hey, that’s how it happens. Until then, I repeat, men are pigs.
Statements: Bitches are crazy
Translation: I got dumped, so that entitles me to sleep with a bunch of women, be a total douche, and stop caring about the female gender ad infinitum.
Statement: Get over yourself
Translation: (Mostly interchangeable with “grow up.”) I’m sick and tired of your drama. I’ve got enough drama of my own to deal with, and believe me that my drama is way worse than your drama.
Statement: Grow up
Translation: See also “get over yourself,” but add this – show no emotion, be tough, be a jerk, and follow a stereotype, because our respective gender (male or female) wants to have it both ways.
Statement: You need to do something productive with your life.
Translation: Your chosen profession will make you a social and financial outcast and nobody will want to spend a life with you because you are going to be broke and nobody in their right mind wants to be with a broke person because all broke people are losers.
Statement: Quit trying so hard
Translation: Relax and let the game come to you. Yes, easier said than done, but essential to your success and sanity. (Note: this one is actually encouraging)
Statement: I’m not the one for you.
Translation: In almost every case, this one can be taken literally. The exception is if that person was unfaithful, then it simply means “I’ve got a new horse in the stable, so mush!”
Statement: You do have a lot to offer the right person
Translation: I’m really not sure what you have to offer, but I have to say something so I don’t feel like a complete asshole for ditching you with some shallow ass explanation like you’re broke, you suck in bed or you aren’t good looking enough for me.
Statement: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this.
Translation: My friends/family/confidants made my decision for me because I have zero spine, zero guts, and complete inability to commit to an adult decision. Also, I don’t want to take responsibility.
Statement: I love you, but I’m not in love with you.
Translation: I want it both ways, and I’m not ready to settle down. Also can mean – sorry, but you sucked in bed.
Statement: We can always be friends
Translation: Yep, but on my terms, and within strictly defined parameters. This means if I want “friends with benefits” and you don’t, byyyyeeeeee!
Statement: I don’t want a commitment
Translation: Usually can be taken literally, but with a caveat – for some, this means “I’m not quite ready to grow up yet. Check back when I’m ready to begin claiming Social Security.”