We interrupt this blog to bring you the following breaking news bulletins which will never, ever be seen on Fox, MSNBC, CNN, CBS, NBC, ABC or even Infowars…that’s how “facty” they are…
Donald Trump: The Eternal Super Leader of the Universe has declared all who swear fealty to him share be spared the god of Death prior to the season premier. Wait, Trump hasn’t purchased the right to Game of Thrones? Oh, not yet! Stay tuned.
Hillary Clinton: America has decided it is “Ready for Hillary” in several states, including Florida, which reports that many precincts are still attempting to count uncounted ballots from the 2000 elections. Lawyers for Bernie Sanders were unavailable for comment, but Al Gore’s attorneys have offered their services, saying “all we gotta do is change the date!”
Marco Rubio: Senator Rubio has announced he is suspending his campaign in Florida. Former Florida Governor and electoral rival Charlie Crist is reported to have asked “when did he actually start?”
Walker County, Georgia: Commissioner Bebe Heiskell has, repeat, has repaid the loan. We can confirm it! The check is in the mail! The fat lady has sung! The dogs are in the kennel! The dudes with the cameras are home now! You can stop making jokes about her! We mean it! We really, really mean it!
Cleveland: Officials in the Mayor’s office are diligently preparing for the Republican National Convention. Unconfirmed reports stated Stephen King has been consulted on the feasibility of dropping a giant dome over the poorest parts of the city.
Pyongyang, North Korea: The American spy who besmirched our good name with his thievery has been sentenced to 15 years of hard labor, and this will be enforced unless we receive our bootleg copies of Games of Thrones immediately.
Office of the Sumter County, Georgia, Commission: It has been confirmed that sanity has been proposed, but funding for it continues to be denied because that would improve voter turnout and intellect. Nobody has claimed responsibility for this action at this time.
Hazleton, Pennsylvania: We can report nothing, we repeat, absolutely nothing happened at the crossroads of Interstates 80 and 81. Nothing has happened, nothing ever will happen. It will remain the same, forever!
Office of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker: Governor Walker is rumored to be ready to declare this “Donald Trump Week”, and named Milwaukee the “City of Trump.” Animal rights activists oppose this, arguing the potential for a mass slaughter of ferrets.
City of Little Rock, Arkansas: The City Council announced today it has transmitted a letter to the Governor of New York State regarding Hillary Rodham Clinton which simply reads “No backsies!”
National Football League: Commissioner Roger Goodell reportedly suspended his secretary for nine games after discovering she spiked his coffee with a performance enhancing substance called “refined sugar.”
United Nations Security Council: Something actually happened this week at the Security Council, but nobody will admit in writing what.
Antarctica: Several flocks of penguins were seen smiling and waving. One even responded to a researcher screaming “Kowalski!”
Facebook: Facebook officials reportedly shot spitballs at Twitter executives this week, while Snapchat officials sat back and laughed. Officials for Tumblr, Pinterest and Periscope served as security monitors, but really didn’t care.
Comcast: The cable giant launched gigabit service in Atlanta today, and it promptly crashed when users uploaded millions of drunken naked pictures from St. Patrick’s Day celebrations.