March Madness is in full swing, and we are fast approaching the “Big Dance” of the “Final Four” which will turn into the “Final Two,” which will turn into some megalomaniac wackjob occupying the White House for the next four years. Oh, and some basketball tournament is going on in multiple locations causing massive amounts of gambling to occur. Unconfirmed reports state this is stimulating the world economy through offshore accounts being lined with cash from people taking our fourth mortgages, selling off baby formula, and performing unspeakable acts of….
Did I digress again? That fast? Wow, I’m really in full blast mode today. Anyhow, back to the Presidential campaign.
For those of you who haven’t been paying attention, Marco Rubio suspended his campaign for President after being hammered by Supreme Potentate and Leader Donald “I OWN Snoke” Trump. In classic Trump fashion, he promptly purchased space on Florida Governor Rick Scott’s head and had “Let’s Make America Great Again” tattooed there. Sorry, he didn’t! I mean that. Everything I just said was satirical fabrication intended to make you laugh. Please, tell Donald to call off the lawyers, goons and “Trump Youth” squads dressed in New York Yankees colors. Thank you (jerk).
Ted Cruz continues his push to keep Trump at bay, winning in key states including Texas, Oklahoma, Vulcan and an isolated corner of Cybertron. He even managed to win the endorsement of former presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, so we expect Cruz to drop out of the race any second, citing “campaign funding issues.” Also, John Kasich of Ohio defeated Trump in the Buckeye State, which should have been a clear example of “Home Field Advantage,” except that nobody outside of Ohio knows much about Kasich except that he’s a good speaker who is boring. In a pivotal show of election gamesmanship, Trump quickly secured the endorsements of Captain America and Ironman. He then announced he had purchased the State of Ohio, with the exception of greater Cleveland, citing a “potential for unacceptable business losses.” Kasich continues to campaign against the New York billionaire, despite mathematical models showing the only way we could win would be if an asteroid were to strike a Trump rally with Trump actually there.
On the Democrat side of things, Hillary Clinton (Maiden and Middle Name for Rent: Contact Debbie Wasserman-Schultz for details!) continues to score victories in traditionally progressive “blue” states, despite the fact she one of her logos features a blue “H” with a red arrow pointing right (seriously)! This, however, left her core supporters undeterred, with over five thousand former and current Wal-Mart executives going to the polls in Mexico to bribe voters to cross the border and cast ballots for Mrs. Clinton. Husband and former President Bill Clinton offered to help his wife on the campaign trail, but Mrs. Clinton reportedly told him despite his best efforts, all the women he ever did allegedly have sexual relations with are not enough to derail the Trump bandwagon, let alone show up a one-half of one-perfect in vote totals. Mr. Clinton is reported to be working actively on increasing his voter turnout, if you get our drift.
Despite this dizzying array of setbacks, Democratic Socialist Independent Green Party of Death candidate Bernie “Yes, that’s my name. Don’t wear it out!” Sanders continues to stump for popular causes in traditionally ultra-progressive, marijuana infused states such as Washington, Oregon, Colorado, and parts of Tijuana which have sworn fealty to House Targaryen. Of course, this means that Sansa can’t get it on with her love, and that House Lannister is ready to attack the north wall and Jon Snow’s direwolf is crapping all over the woods again, but the fact that I incorporated a Games of Thrones reference should indicate that Trump, not Sanders, can Make America Great Again! To his credit, Sanders has admitted to being in favor of legalization of most drugs, including chocolate and cheese, and will outlaw all insurance plans in favor of a single payer, which means your healthcare savings accounts will become the property of the federal government, and all your money will be sent to Denmark to settle that damned meme, once and for all, so suck it, conservatives (their alleged words, not mine).
If that last paragraph wasn’t confusing enough, consider this brain buster. It is entirely possible that the United States of America could have either its first woman president, or a president who is so reviled that Canada and the United States could literally flip population totals within a year. Of course, this means our friends in the Great White North would have to deal with a few hundred million people bitching about how football is played on a one hundred yard field with four downs, not three, and that a “parliament” is not an effective form of government because it is full of officials who actually do this thing called “governing,” whatever the hell that is.
Finally, we would like to give a nod to the world of college basketball, and our fallen tributes including, but not limited to, Michigan and several other schools whose names escape us at the moment. We are pleased you are tuning in these games, may the odds be ever in your favor, and we have confirmed that no mahogany tables have been stabbed in the writing of this blog!