We now return to our regularly schedule humor, already in progress.
Everyone knows that Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are now the presumed “Final Two” on the GOP end of the 2016 Presidential Campaign. The New York billionaire and hairpiece extraordinaire has made verbal gaffe after verbal gaffe, and has inspired his followers to such a fervor that acts of violence appears to be committed in his name. Still, it could be worse.
I have taken the liberty of posing the craziest “what if” scenario possible – what if the Trump campaign contracted the writing of their press releases to the Korea Central News Agency, the government press apparatus of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un (North Korean for “Fatboy Slim” – you better Praise Him Like You Do!). With that in mind, and having read many of the North Korea government’s press releases, I believe I can now approximate a press release using “North Korean-style” journalistic and public relations techniques.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
March 30, 2016
HIS EXCELLENCY AND MOST EXHAUSTED AMERICAN HONORARY PATRIOT DONALD TRUMP DEMONSTRATES EXTRAORDINARY POWERS AGAINST ENEMIES
NEW YORK – Americans should take heed that their most powerful option for lasting peace through ultimate truth and attractiveness has begun to attack his enemies in a manner which will leave them listless and begging for extinguishing of their souls. Eternal Eminence and Creator of True Wealth Donald Trump emerged to greet his followers today at a rally in New York.
According to Mr. Trump’s campaign, the Creator of True Wealth is sound in his beliefs, and is assured that his positions are based in both truth and the highest divine mandates. Mr. Trump himself is reported to be in excellent health, superior strength, and agility akin to the most graceful animals who can run like the majestic gazelle. Mr. Trump’s hair is reported to be in docile spirits and obeying his every command, as any legitimate appendage should to its master.
There are few experiences more exhilarating than witnessing the raw magnetism and power of Mr. Trump in action at his campaign rallies. His supporters are devoted followers of our charismatic leader, whose victory is assured despite the vicious attacks by his enemies. These individuals shall be dealt with in an appropriate, decisive, and most unpleasant manner once His Eminence has been elected as the President. Mr. Trump has expressed a confidence in his campaign, his followers and the people of the nation that they shall recognize his greatness, his eminent manhood, and his charismatic charm, which has proven to be both divinely granted and inspired.
His Eminence assures us that he is a man of peace, and will work diligently to rid America of unbelievers, traitors, and undesirables. His raw power is such that a simple look into his eyes will convince wrongdoers to cure the errors of their ways, traitors to end their own lives, and unbelievers to look to the heavens for the necessary inspiration to follow Mr. Trump to the vision he has bared for the nation.
Mr. Trump will continue his campaign up until the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio, where it is expected he will be easily named the nominee by unanimous vote. Should that not happen, he is prepared to deploy all available options, including the decimated of his enemies and the entire City of Cleveland, though to decimate the city would be profound waste of ammunition.
We wish His Excellency an expedient nomination and election so we may begin the process of securing peace and harmony through appropriate application of diplomacy and force, as well the use of his mighty hair to cow opponents into submission.
Bonus points to anyone who got that Fatboy Slim reference, by the way.