Whale Phallology: You really DON’T want to know, but you’ll read anyway

It’s always bad form to discuss genitalia in a public forum, unless you can somehow tie it to an election issue and something stupid in the news. As is expected, I will attempt to do just that. Fortunately, I have been given a bit of a gift from a friend who shall remain nameless here only because I have no clue what inspired her to find this, but it seems there is a Whale Penis Museum.

Actually, let’s be clear: it is not devoted exclusively to the Whale Penis. That is a small (rim shot) part of a greater whole (another rim shot). The exhibit is part of the Icelandic Phallological Museum, which is dedicated to the collection and study of all things phallic. Their website is remarkably academic in how it presents the specimens (yes, I am attempting to contain my laughter at these puns) but the mission statement alone is quite astounding in its devotion to the academia of the male genital part.

The Icelandic Phallological Museum is probably the only museum in the world to contain a collection of phallic specimens belonging to all the various types of mammal found in a single country. Phallology is an ancient science which, until recent years, has received very little attention in Iceland, except as a borderline field of study in other academic disciplines such as history, art, psychology, literature and other artistic fields like music and ballet. Now, thanks to The Icelandic Phallological Museum, it is finally possible for individuals to undertake serious study into the field of phallology in an organized, scientific fashion.

As hard as it might be to believe, this museum consists of some amazing artwork and metalwork, glass and stone craft, all with the male apparatus in mind. Also, what the hell is phallic ballet? Never mind, forget I asked! Of course, the real draw seems to be the Whale Penis Exhibit. Iceland, once a proud whaling culture, culled many a whale member for a variety of uses, none of which can be divulged without risking a serious “Beavis & Butthead” style fit of uncontained laughter. Some of the pieces are reputed to be as tall as five feet! Let it be known throughout the land…there is no car economical enough to compete with Whale Johnson.

That would be all well and good, but now comes word that a whale can spew almost 40 gallons of semen during one mating session? Crazier still, much of that doesn’t even get into the female whale. Of course, it’s possible a recently circulated picture of the same male whale in writhing passion, love machine flipping about like an out of control sea serpent, could just be in the process of audition for the next season of Game of Thrones: Whale Edition. How do we know what really turns a whale on? Is it Hillary? Is it Donald? Is it word of an unscrupulous funeral home owner being freed? Is it the notion of Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston dating, or could it just be the most disgusting, fundamentally gross notion of earth: whale porn.

We will likely never know, so I shall retire to my table near the beach with my delicious blue rare steak and HEY!!! What the hell is all this crap? I didn’t ask for white gravy!


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