HEMPSTEAD, NY – Hofstra’s football season in Division I Football Championship Subdivision (read: REAL playoff, not this TV crap!), kicked into high gear tonight when, in a momentous showdown, Republican billionaire tycoon and Make-America-Great Booster Donald “The Hair” Trump faced off against his Democratic opponent, closest commie-elitist and reputed illegitimate twin sister of Dr. Evil Hillary Rodham Kennedy Onassis Pelosi Chelsea Hiddleston Swift Clinton.
PREGAME: It took near fifteen minutes for moderator Lester “I am objective, dammit!” Holt to introduce the players, actually establish ground rules, flip the coin, comb Trump’s hair, prop Clinton up against her post, and then get comfortable in his Chair of Perpetual Squirming. No swords were reported used in the construction of said chair.
FIRST QUARTER: Trump opted to receive, but fumbled on kickoff when Clinton, in a stunning move reminiscent of the New England Patriots, attempted to deflate the GOP nominee’s ego. Despite managing to recover the ball, Clinton was unable to make much headway at first, settling for small gains, such as calling her opponent “Donald” as opposed to “Mr. Trump.” During her initial scoring drive, Clinton was twice called for delay of game, but Holt reversed the decision after realizing that NBC was not, in fact, producing the debate. Once he managed to get the ball back, Trump began to hammer away the Clinton defense, using relentless attacks against her economic policies and tax rates, with his patented quick-out play calls of “great” and “extraordinary” used repeatedly to advance the ball. Quarter ends with Trump scoring three times, twice on the debate floor and once with Marla Maples during a water break, but the latter was reversed when Holt flagged Trump for Illegal Procedure: Time Travel to the late 1980s. Clinton kicked a field goal, with former President Bill Clinton’s head being used to hold the ball in place – yes, his head was also kicked. Fortunately, nobody in the crowd was injured when the errant kick careened off the podium, with Bill’s head striking a female camera grip in the groin. At the end of the first quarter: Trump 32, Clinton -3
SECOND QUARTER: Trump continued to hammer away at Clinton’s economic policies, using an aggressive pass attack to shred the Democrat’s defense, before having to settle for a field goal after Clinton opened up an IRS blitz package on him. Trump attempted to use play “33,000” to confuse his opponent, but the naked bootleg made so many in the audience vomit simultaneously, Trump was quickly hit by Holt with a penalty for Unsportmanslike Conduct, moving him away from a sure 1st and Goal situation. The GOP nominee eventually had to settle for another field goal. Clinton struck back quickly, with lightning speed, using her recently perfected offensive package “DaddysSmallBusiness” as fast-attack offense with repeated up-the-gut blows from her solid counter-strike offensive play of “TrumpStiffs” and “Loan 600 mil” to keep Trump off guard. Both plays led to fast scores, with Clinton ultimately closing the gap, but not until Holt called her for illegal procedure when she, in a moment of astonishing foolishness, admitted she screwed up as a politician when she previously denied screwing up. At the end of the half: Trump 35, Clinton 23.9
HALFTIME: Half the known universe when on social media to Facebook, Tweet, Instalock, and Pin The Tail on the Interest (we think), while the rest was getting hammered on cheap beer, and watching Monday Night Football.
THIRD QUARTER: Clinton blew out of the gate, returning the second half kickoff for a quick score with her calls for better opportunities for minorities. Upon getting the ball back, Trump began to chew clock with his reliable “LawOrder” offense, pounding away at the Clinton defense with a strong ground game. Clinton attempted to force turnovers with regards to Trump’s record on race relations, but those attempts were to no avail as his offensive game was well in control when he had the ball. Unfortunately, Trump’s drive stalled when he got to the red zone, and Clinton’s defense stiffened when questions about New York’s “Stop and Frisk” law arose. Trump lost the ball on attempts, then challenged the ruling on the field, but Holt ruled there was irrefutable evidence that Trump and Clinton were both hogging the limelight, so the play stood as called. Clinton got the ball back, but her drive stalled when she tried to laugh and nearly broke her kickstand. At the end of the Third Quarter: Trump 41, Clinton 50
FOURTH QUARTER: The final stanza of this showdown was a see-saw battle of wills, with Trump scoring twice in rapid succession finding political holes in the Clinton defense. Clinton then put Trump on his heels with repeated accusations about his take on nuclear weapons, NATO, pet spiders, large fluffy rabbits and rumors he favored Detroit Pizza over New York. Trump fired back that Clinton’s team allowed Iran to become more powerful, Cleveland to win a world championship in basketball, cats to become more popular than dogs, and Florida State University to lose to Louisville. The two continued to trade pot shots, with Lester Holt looking visibly sleepy and even tossing the occasional errant penalty flag at the crowd for unnecessary boredom, but the final minute displayed Clinton and Trump each getting hit with offsetting penalties for obnoxiousness and going off-script. At the end of the debate, two knights came in, shook hands, said “alright, we’ll call it a draw,” then Sean Bean was paraded in and beheaded.
Final Score: Trump *@#! Clinton *@#!
Attendance: 325 (300 drunk by the end of the debate)
Debate Time: Entirely too long.
STAT TRUMP CLINTON
Attacks 13 12
Yawns 0 4
Cheap Shots 9 2
Talking Points 4 32
IRS Mentions 3 2339002
Sane Moments 2 5
Snide Remarks 5 5
Penalties 13 13
Officials: Lester Hold (NBC)
NOTES: Screw it, let’s go get a beer and watch “WestWorld” when it comes on.