BREAKING NEWS: Hope for those who suffer from TIRED

We interrupt this election cycle for a special medical announcement:

Experts have been discovered a terrible new medical issue afflicting millions worldwide, so much that even the most mundane of tasks, such as the World Series, must be interrupted for this breaking news announcement.  The announcement is being announced for the sake of all affected by premature medical announcements.  Here is the announcement.


This individual is suffering symptoms of the insidious condition known as TIRED.

According to a worldwide medical cadre of people who call themselves “cadres,” a new strain of life-depleting symptoms have arrayed themselves against mankind.  This condition is called Total Irrational Reasoning Exhaustion Disorder, or TIRED.  This syndrome has become a worldwide scourge, one which must be controlled, contained and, if necessary, eradicated through a complex series of maneuvers which are still being developed by scientists in well shrouded bunkers around the world, most of which are located near large sources of caffeinated organic filling fuel environment epicenters, or COFFEE.

Scientific studies have concluded, in fact, that reduction of the symptoms of TIRED can be directly affected by proximity to COFFEE.  Symptoms of TIRED include irritability upon standing, inability to awaken at a predetermined moment or location, aggravation with stressful situations, predisposition to violence due to loss of patience, extreme bouts of oral inhalation of oxygen, and commonly referred to as “yawning.”  Conversely, the many healthful benefits associated with being near COFFEE have been cited as reduced inclination to violent action, increased sociability, and the desire to engage with everyday life.

Experts warn that TIRED is a relatively new diagnosis and must be treated as such.  It should not be used as an excuse to miss work, school or potentially pleasurable activities, and research holds hope of treatment and possibly, working hand in hand with COFFEE, a potential cure.  Many COFFEE locations have been identified worldwide; easily visible by their association with pastries, sugary products, and a bizarre clientele of youthful entrepreneurs identified by anthropologists as “hipsters.”  These environments have been known to induce states of increased intellectual awareness, as well as lively debate and the occasional argument over which COFFEE location is superior to the other.  According to the research obtained, instances of TIRED are nearly nonexistent at these locations.

We encourage all who read this notice to contact their elected officials immediately and demand that more COFFEEs be made available to combat TIRED.  Unfortunately, some of these officials may be COFFEE averse, instead opting for the time honored tradition of the bribe.

This concludes this Important Message Pertaining to International Safety Health (IMPISH) bulletin.

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