As we celebrate the day Americans everywhere feast to their hearts content (my auto-correct somehow managed to insert the word “ringworm” into this post before I removed it razor sharp carving tools), we are reminded that we are just weeks away from the most amazing moment of the year, full of lights, festivities and magical times.
Yes, folks, Star Wars time is upon us.
In my household, there is an epic battle between nonbelievers and myself. I am doing my best find a way to see the movie but, unfortunately, Darth Spousius is using the ways of the Sith to prevent this. My force attacks are just not strong enough. So, I shall do what the fabled Grey Jedi does…laugh my ass off by poking fun at science fiction planet killers.
The planet killer is just what the name implies; a device which inhales gobs of campaign money and uses Supreme Court precedent to bypass all rules, or is that the Koch Brothers? Either way, there are several well known planet killers, and now I shall take a semi serious look at them all.
Starkiller Base: You gotta hand it to the First Order – they succeeded when The Galactic Empire failed. This wasn’t just a laser, it was a solar energy powered hyper lights—-ah Screw it!! It’s a BFG (Doom fans will get that acronym) that blew up a bunch of planets at once. As usual it has an Achilles heel which spelled its doom but it did do a HELL of a lot more damage than the Death Star. The Doomsday Machine: this killer debuted in Star Trek: TOS (Kirk overacting moments per episode: 35.6). It basically looked like a hunk of space wood (“and I see your Schwarz is as big as mine.”) with a really bad case of acid reflux. Of course, this thing could only be killed by sending a (surprise!) starship in with a warp core set on overload. Actually, it’s rather reminiscent of how my bowels process a seven layer burrito, but that’s besides the point. The Death Star: this classic killer, the Death Star, affectionately glossed as “Vader’s Crib,” is essentially a space station with one really badass laser. It doesn’t matter how it was built, who built it, or the myriad plot holes pointed out by the Family Guy parodies, the fact remains the Death Star is the quintessential planet killer, even though it actually only successfully killed one planet. Unicron: check it out! The 1986 Transformers classic featured a robot which ate planets, moons, asteroids for snacks. In a memorable moment, Unicron, in robot form, even ripped into Cybertron the way a ravenous horde of teenagers tear into a bowl of Chex party mix. But don’t let his party animal demeanor fool you. This dude had some serious planet killing ability, devouring scores of spheres before finally being done in by what later became a fancy Christmas ornament (seriously). Vorlon Planetkiller: When is the Death Star no longer totally badass? When it takes the combined firepower of 30 super-powered starships to blow up another planet killer, rather than having designed a station with a fatal flaw not once, but twice. Credit Babylon 5 with one thing…it consistently made big booms, and the explosion of the Vorlon planet killer in “Into the fire” was a seriously big ass boom. Oh, and it succeeded in blowing up several planets, and looks like a cross between a squid and a clam. Sushi. anyone? Narada, the Romulan mining ship: okay, not really a planet killer, but when you can use the space equivalent of an oil drill to create a black hole inside a planet, that’s serious sci-fi street cred!
And finally.Drej mothership from Titan AE. This sucker was badass because it actually blew up Earth!!!! Forget the rest…when you blow up our own home planet, your sci-fi Kung Fu is awesome. Don Bluth wins the badass crown once again.
Okay folks, return to your scheduled tryptofan induced coma. This week, a slightly silly review of Georgia college football seasons, and the necessary Tums packets.