What Congress would like say about their health care, but never, ever will!


The home of 535 selfish, power-mad jackass, and that’s just the lobbyists.

Dear Voters:

I wanted to share with you some thoughts I’ve had recently. There’s a groundswell of hostility towards the health care package myself and fellow members of Congress enjoy while many of you go without healthcare. I’m here to tell you I’m very aggravated with these attacks. They are unwarranted, misinformed, and fail to understand the reason we have this plan.

You, the voters, make our lives a living hell.

I field at least a hundred calls a day from angry voters who claim I’m doing this, that and the other wrong. I’m called all sorts of names by my opponents, branded a traitor by activists, and deal with the news media jackals almost daily. There isn’t a moment that goes by where I don’t have to watch my tongue, double check what I write, and run everything by my staff to make sure what I’m saying doesn’t violate a law, rules or regulation. Speaking of staff, the inmates in this town truly do run the asylum.  The staffs are who really have the power, and love to lord it over our heads with threats of leaks and media misspeak.  Long story short, you voted me into hell and, for that, I deserve this health care package.

My blood pressure is sky high. My cholesterol is horrible. I have to meet with lobbyists and fellow Congress members on a routine basis for dinners, often at fancy restaurants which pile on sauces and butter. Worse still, if I order something “healthy,” I’m perceived as weak or namby-pamby, and immediately regarded as someone who cannot lead or will never have a shot at higher office because I’m not “tough enough.”

Like you, I have career ambitions. I want a higher office. The title “Senator” or “Secretary” sounds very good. I like the salary the Supreme Court offers and my law degree, I feel at least, makes me qualified to sit on the high court. I have to keep my face looking good because, let’s face it, voters tend to base their votes not just on ideology, but on appearances as well. Crows feet, droopy eyelids, and digestive issues, combined with the myriad painkillers needed to stave off the aches of age, and all the heart and respiratory problems I deal with, because of the stress heaped on me by the demands of voters who wouldn’t know the rules of procedure from the rules of the community pool, make this plan needed.

Yes, I deserve this plan, and you voters haven’t been able to tell me one blasted thing which leads me to believe otherwise. When you’ve been willing to fight a brutal campaign against an upstart opponent who has nothing to lose, let me know and maybe I’ll listen to your concerns. This is something I’ve earned being a public servant, getting you the jobs you wanted, getting potholes patched and photo ops for the local animal shelter to raise awareness, and this is what I get as compensation. I have to compromise my principles at least a thousand times a day to make you all happy, and I’ll be damned if I don’t get at least something for it.  For any of you to say I don’t deserve it, that I should have the same exact plans as all of you, makes it like you are my equal and peer.

Let me assure you to this – despite the fact you voted for me, you are nowhere close to being my peer. So please, leave me alone and if you don’t like it, vote me out in 2018.

Best wishes to you and yours and I hope I have your vote,

Your Member of Congress.

P.S. – This letter will never, ever, ever be printed by any of us because we all have the collective spine of a garden variety earthworm.

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