Major League Baseball, in its ever-present drive to ensure no fans are ever upset by anything controversial, have taken to talking to the Cleveland Indians about not only changing their logo, but changing their name entirely. The same approach is rumored to be in the works with the Atlanta Braves because of groups offended by the team’s use of Native American references for their logos and mascots. In the interest of fairness, here is a list of why the names of the other 15 teams in the American League should be changed to something else to avoid offending certain groups:
New York Yankees – considered a slur used by Southerners to insult Americans from the Northeast, particular those with center-left and leftist political views. Recommend they be renamed, upon permission obtained by Walt Disney Co, the New York Sith.
Toronto Blue Jays – offensive to peaceful, moralist ornithologists because Blue Jays steal the nests of other birds. Recommend they be renamed the Toronto Strongbeers.
Boston Red Sox – offensive to anyone outside of New England and militant anti-communists due to their use by the word “red.” Recommend they be renamed the New England Kennedys.
Baltimore Orioles – offensive to lovers of robins because of their deliberate mocking of said bird by displaying orange breasts instead of black ones like their blackbird cousins. Recommend renaming them the Baltimore TweetieBirds.
Tampa Bay Rays – first offensive to evangelical Christians because of the use of the word “Devil,” now offensive to tourists who are consistently stung for failing to do the “stingray shuffle” during beach visits. Recommend renaming them the Tampa Bay StadiumReferendums.
Milwaukee Brewers – offensive to craft beer lovers because they play in Miller Park, a baseball stadium named for a multinational conglomerate. Recommend renaming them the Milwaukee Brewers Yeast.
Chicago White Sox – offensive to Las Vegas (ooops, too soon???) Raiders fans because of their color scheme and the fact they actually won a title in the last 20 years. Recommend renaming them the Chicago NottheCubs.
Minnesota Twins – offensive to all children who were not born twins. Recommend renaming them the Minnesota Targets.
Detroit Tigers – offensive to dog lovers. Recommend renaming them the Detroit Pizza.
Kansas City Royals – offensive to the British Royal family and anyone who dislikes Walmart. Recommend renaming them the K.C. Masterpieces.
Seattle Mariners – offensive to PETA. Leave this one as-is. Seriously.
Oakland A’s – offensive to Arthur Fonzarelli. Recommend renaming them the Oakland Richies.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – offensive to those with ADHD because it’s hard as shit to remember that long a name. Recommend renaming them the Anaheim Whatevers.
Texas Rangers – offensive to all anti-police department movements everywhere. Recommend renaming them to the Texas Bluelines.
Houston Astros – offensive to the Jetsons. Recommend renaming them the Houston Oilers (woops, too soon again?).
NEXT TIME: The National League