It would appear that someone wishes to steal the title of “America’s Crazyland” from Walker County, Georgia and move it to the Golden State. What makes this title grab even more astonishing is the fact the person responsible is running for governor (of California, in case there was any confusion).
Okay, maybe that’s not so farfetched in this day and age, but please prepare yourself with plenty of high-quality intoxication fluids as you read on, because you may find the need to say “I was drunk when I read this,” to justify actually reading it without laughing hysterically.
Mike Hughes, a 61 year old retired limo driver from Amboy, California (population as of 2000 census: 4 – that’s right, FOUR!) is constructing a homemade rocket to spirit him into the heavens. According to Fortune (crackpot conspiracy theorists per capita: 0.00021), Hughes is not only bound and determined to prove that Earth is a disc and not spherical, he has truly put his money – and other assorted personal accessories – where his mouth is, spending several years and $20,000 of his own savings to build the rocket which will take him skyward. The actual vehicle is the mobile home trailer he purchased for $1,500.
The retiree was unapologetic with Fortune about his desire to prove the Earth is little more than a table-flat surface. “I don’t believe in science,” said Hughes, whose main sponsor for the rocket is Research Flat Earth, a group that promotes the idea that we aren’t all living on a spinning ball. “I know about aerodynamics and fluid dynamics and how things move through the air, about the certain size of rocket nozzles, and thrust. But that’s not science, that’s just a formula. There’s no difference between science and science fiction.”
While Hughes may quickly learn he’s no Lone Starr of Spaceballs fame, his use of a mobile home may actually provide some unexpected advantages. As said structure is inherently unstable, the aerodynamics needed to survive re-entry may, indeed, offer some level of protection as a result of enhanced flexibility. In addition, the removal of said mobile home from Amboy city limits will cut tornado risk by 25%, as there are only 4 people who live there. Assuming all four residents inhabit similar dwelling, the need for tornado insurance should drop by 25%, but they can all be assured the opportunity to try to save 15% or more with one 15 minute phone call.
Complicating this is the fact that the Flat Earth movement is gaining followers every single day. As more people begin to buy into the notion that the Earth is not even concave, but a single flat platter, the chances that “explorers” will follow Hughes heavenward increase exponentially. Moreover, what if Hughes actually makes first contact with another alien race, possibly the people who built the Great Space Coaster or worse, REAL UNREBOOTED KLINGONS! The thought is too scary to contemplate, so we will return to what we were planning to do in the first place – enjoy our Thanksgiving dinner, replete with flatulence-inducing foodstuffs, sleep-inducing meats, and enough high fructose corn syrup to possible cause a nationwide cancer outbreak linked to Big Sugar.
Afterwards, we can all sit back on our couches, put on whatever sports contest or dog show is on at the moment, and begin to belch skyward, in the hopes that one of those eddies of intestinal gas disrupts the flight path of Mike Hughes and lands him along Zzyzx Rd (it’s real, look it up) in California, where he will realize he really is an alien.