There’s been a lot of staggering news in the world lately. From the death of soul legend Aretha Franklin, to the tantrums of President Donald “I like to the move it, move it” Trump, to the ghastly headlines about sex abuse within the ranks of Catholic Church in Pennsylvania, it’s like a the world continues to spiral out of control with no end in sight. Still, I would be remiss if I didn’t call attention to one of the world’s great unknown tragedies, the proliferation of bizarre police incidents on the A&E TV series LivePD. Specifically, the spike in incidents related to Pasco County, Florida.
FULL DISCLOSURE: This writer graduated from high school in New Port Richey, Florida, where many LivePD incidents occur including, but not limited to, men driving down main roadways on spinning lawnmowers. Please commence eye muscle stretches to prevent rolling injuries.
For those unfamiliar with LivePD, Pasco County is located just north of both Hillsborough and Pinellas Counties in the Tampa Bay area of Florida. Its welcome signs boast “Open Spaces, Vibrant Places,” which should be regarded as a deliberate attempt at deceptive advertising, at least with regards to the sign along northbound US 19 entering from Tarpon Springs (City Motto E peleponessus – trans. “You Greek?”) This area of Pasco County isn’t vibrant, but just flat out high – specifically, the “puff puff give” variety – and where it’s not high, it’s just insane, as evidenced by the number of people who are failing to honor the City of Port Richey’s request shown on its city limits sign “Dress for the body you have, not for the body you want.”
Of course, LivePD seems to have some sort of uncanny radar for ferreting out this sort of wackiness, as a recent episode of the show displayed. Like so many other moments of insanity in this lovely region, this incident happened at the Wal-Mart in Hudson, Florida (meth labs per capita: infinity and beyond), where a woman was identified as a potential shoplifting suspect. Ordinarily, the Sheriff’s Office would simply arrest and cite an individual for shoplifting which, based on the value of the item, would be considered petty theft if they stole less than $100. If they stole something more than that, like the password to Donald Trump’s Twitter Account, they would not only be arrested, but interrogated, bound, dragged along US 19 at high noon, drawn and quartered and then, in the ultimate act of spite, called a “LOSER” by President Trump himself.
NOTICE: The writer is registered independent. This message was not intended to endorse any opponent of Donald Trump, the Trump Corporation, the United States Government, the Russian Federation, Vladimir Putin, or Stormy Daniels in any way, shape, or form. Steve Bannon, please cease tweeting about how the writer’s head must be stuck on a pike and paraded down the streets of Washington at high noon.
So anyway, the suspect was taken outside, questioned and, upon running her prior arrests, it was discovered that she had been arrested for shoplifting on so many occasions, any further violations would now make her a felon. Think of about how many shoplifting arrests must take place for someone to actually become a felon with their next arrest. More to the point, think about how many times the arresting officer has likely interacted with the offender. You have to wonder if he’s thinking “hmmm, what did she steal this time, and why does it have to be on my shift, on LivePD?” Also, it’s logical to assume that the producers of LivePD now have a drinking game which they take three shots every time they cut away to Pasco. If that is the case, it would explain why so many incidents shown involve livestock or people being fools of lawnmowers.
That being said, one of the good things about Pasco County being on LivePD is that people get to see the “real life” Pasco County, and not just the fluffy puppy-and-kittens view espoused by the County Commission and Chamber of Commerce. It’s the same sort of rose-colored lenses thinking used by Walmart in its now-famous picture of the employee with all the register lights on behind him, which we all know is fake but it still a wonderful thing to think about. It’s the same sort of ultra-positive point of view which creates cheesy marketing campaigns such as the ones used by political parties. Seriously, its uncanny how they use black and white pictures and sinister music to paint a person as a villain – “On this day, remember Scott Elderberry. He voted to suspend all trash collection service to save money. He is the reason you’re stinky dog poop didn’t get picked up, and why your children were laughed at in school and their house called ‘Casa de Kaka’. Remember how Elderberry betrayed us and voted for the bill to allow water to be cut off to dying children in the hospital. Thisadboughtpaidforandidistributedbybullshitenterprisesanddoesnotrepresentanycandidatethoughthemoneycomesfromashellcompanyownedbyhisopponent.”
Oh yeah, that reminds me, that lady arrested on LivePD – she stole tampons.