Thor and Kirk create warp speed turbulence

I’ll be the first to admit it: I’m a nervous flyer. I’m that sort of guy who would look at a flight number alone and just say “nope.” Here’s the funny part – I’m not much of a cruising altitude scaredy cat. Once I’m there, I’m fascinated by all the clouds rolling by, how people manage to eat what seem like four course meals in the middle of turbulence which could shake the change from a 10 year old couch, and of course every travelers greatest joy: screaming kids.

Turbulence…made fresh daily

Actually what really unnerved me before this flight was learning that Star Trek 4, featuring Chris “Unstoppable” Pine and Chris “Make Your Ovaries Quiver” Hemsworth, may not happen after all. Supposedly, the team of “Chris and Chris” have teamed up for contract mischief even Loki himself would blush at. This has led to the inevitable crush of Trek fandom asking the same question….

Who really gives a fuck?

Look, I love nearly every incarnation of Star Trek, including the ill-fated Next Generation movies, the badly mismanaged Enterprise, and the rather quirkish 1970s-era Filmation-produced animated series. When J.J. Abrams got the call to produce Trek, I nearly suffered a waste-disposal incident, which would have been severe as it would have involved the air conditioning system of Hyundai Accent which, as you know, has the ability to absorb and trap foul odors for later disbursement at inopportune moments, usually right as one lowers the window at the local drive thru. Despite that avoidance of excremental flair, I was nonetheless excited to hear producer of Fringe was tapped to head the reboot of Kirk, Spock, McVoy, Uhura, et al. It was a wonderful thing…

Premature nerdgasm

Then the movies arrived.

In fairness, Star Trek itself was decent, though a bit disjointed. I still call encroachment on the Romulan mining ship Narada as it looked like an elongated Shadow battleship of Babylon 5 fame. That and whole time-travel-through-a-black-hole idea seemed a bit stale. What carried that story was the Kirk-Spock animosity (which proved Abrams was more of Star Wars fandom – any Trek fan knows Spocks only pre Abrams fight with Kirk came during their ponn-far battle, but I’m obviously losing the audience so back to the part where Uhura discovers that, yes, Vulcans really are more logical between the phasers, if you catch my meaning.)

Now, Star Trek Into Darkness was just all over the place. As a previous review on this blog stated, Abrams team tried to bite off way more than they could chew. Everything from Khan to Admiral Marcus’ uber militarism, to the Wu-Tang Clan looking Klingons just made this movie fun but extremely difficult to believe, especially considering the fact that most Trekkies are serious science nerds, and are all too familiar with what a microfragment of space dust can do to a kevlar suit.

Star Trek Beyond was a definitely beyond, as in out there. Now in fairness, seeing our favorite chick from The Expanse certainly was a great homage, as were the Easter Eggs tucked in for Enterprise fans, but watching a starship pull a half pipe through an explosive wave of doomsday attackers, while listening to the Beastie Boys, was over the top at best. The craziest part of all: Beyond was by far the best movie, but had the worst box office showing. Hence, Paramount approached the Chrisses asking to pay less money, and saw Thor’s hammer smacking back with a giant fuck off. Th Josh f sec uf egi chr dds.

Sorry….did I mention I hate turbulence?

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