Putting your behind in your glass

And that beer dont taste like ass!

Despite all the issues I’ve been dealing with, I find a need to continue to explore pressing topics and issues which affect us all. Sundays always have been moments to take a step back and ask that vexing question:

How would anyone know what ass tastes like?

Okay, I’m sure most of you reading this blog have reacted with various levels of disgust, ranging from painful, strenuous eye rolls to vomiting so much the last molecules of that potato chip from the Y2K party finally dislodged. It’s a valid question raised by a post made by an alert friend of mine about something overheard about a drink. Now, being the crack researcher I am, I chose to explore the various possibilities as to which liqueurs, spirits, or drinks could simulate the taste of an anal cavity.

FULL DISCLOSURE: the knowledge of the flavor of someone’s anal cavity would require said person engage in a practice known as “rimming.” Yes, I actually looked that one up. This is what writers do and why people give us weird looks when our search history includes, in one day, terms such as “bondage,” “donut glaze,” “areola enhancement,” “impotence,” and “fragmentation grenades.”

So based on the expert witness accounts of how hind quarter exit points are flavored, I present my findings.

  • Whiskey, in general, presents the greatest opportunity for ass-flavored beverages, but that experience lacks proper aroma. Adding some burnt coffee to the drink would lend to more authenticity.
  • Gin would certainly be a candidate for a suitable anal flavored drink, except for the fact that almost everyone except beard laden millenials think this drink actually tastes like gasoline mixed with shampoo (first hand knowledge – I do know what both taste like.)
  • Bourbon is far from an appropriate flavor base, though it could simulate if mixed with both triple sec and a large splash of jaegermeister.
  • It is nearly impossible to achieve an “ass taste” using vodka, as vodka is the chicken breast of alcoholic beverages, only with less depth.
  • Cognac would murder you if you even considered using it, which is why I consider cognac the mobster of spirits.
  • Anyone who considers using wine to simulate an ass taste should be immediately reported to homeland security, deported to France, and forced to watch Jerry Lewis movies while drinking copious amounts of water from the Sienne River.
  • Of beer, only Guinness, Nati Light, and dark stouts made by basement craft brewers can be used to simulate ass taste, and even Guinness is a stretch because Ireland will declare war on any country or person who dares to poke fun at their official national cat piss drink. Anyone using Yeungling should be charged with treason.
  • Any municipal tap water from Florida outside of Zephyrhills and Tampa can pass for ass.

Now that I’ve reported my findings, I’m going to relax by the pool with a crisp, cool IPA that’s a rather inviting tan color. Wait a second…what the hell is a corn kernel doing in this?

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