Toilet humor (no, seriously)

It is so heartening to know that, in this era of hypersensitivity towards everything including dandruff removal products, we men can still claim a razor’s edge of superiority in the eternal struggle that is restroom etiquette.

Before humans existed…likely installed by aliens from Vulcan

Usually I wouldn’t comment about what goes on “beyond the door,” but fellow blogger Stephanie Carr fired the open salvo with a post about ladies restroom protocols, in which she excoriates her fellow gender for their potty habits: “If you sprinkle when you tinkle be a sweetie and wipe the ‘seatie’. Please for the love of all things holy, clean up after yourselves! My goodness! It’s like some of you were raised in a barn or something. Okay, to be fair, maybe you were, and that is okay! JUST CLEAN UP YOUR PEE! Please.” While her requests are valid, I personally needed to take a moment to stop laughing at the hypocritical stance women take towards mens bathroom habits, especially the much-ballyhooed “seat left up” gaffe. Sorry ladies, the playbook is now out for all to see.

And now, cue the mansplaining:

…we men at least have the biological advantage of being able to direct our stream, and try to use it to betterment of all mankind.

Of course, in the interest of not being buried under a total of social media hatred from radical pro-commode activists, I would like to offer how female “bathroom fails” are received by men when we learn of them.

Tinkle on the seat: men are too familiar with this in unisex bathrooms, and we often run into this and wonder how a man managed to fail in both not lifting the seat up, as well as more ghastly judgment in failure to aim. Let’s face facts ladies; whilst we may not be the cleanest creatures on earth, we men at least have the biological advantage of being able to direct our stream and try to use it to betterment of all mankind. There are two exceptions to this: writing in the snow (it’s a guy thing, deal with it) and drunken peeing, where our aim is about as reliable as Trump’s social media advisory team.

And this is why you dont see Vulcan plumbers on earth

Paper in the floor: when it comes to cleaning up paper in the floor, men have been pigs since the dawn of time. I’m fairly certain the wife of Neanderthal man got on his case about all the ribs and bones in their dwelling, but man said to wife “just a bit, I watch Og try take down saber toothed tiger with stick. Yeah, that’s not gonna end well for Og.” So ladies, if y’all cant get your stuff in the basket, what possible hope is there for us? And I dont event want to imagine how some of you would react to a bidet.

Picture taking: unless a man is trying to capture a picture of “Richard Nixon” (political junkies will laugh their asses off at that bad pun), taking pics in the mens room is typically the shortest straight line route to an emergency room visit for a broken nose or black eye. As a general rule, men just dont do it. And we certainly wouldn’t get why on earth women would do this, except maybe some odd desire to remember a particular shoe design. This practice strikes us as peculiar at best.

Talking on the phone: if there is one area men find a sanctuary of intellectual and mental peace, it’s the restroom. It’s our zen spot. This is our most profound thinking happens – an unconfirmed and highly suspect rumor suggests the late President Ronald Reagan even concocted his famous “tear down this wall” speech while sitting on the can scarfing down Jelly Bellies. Of course, this source also agrees with the Flat Earth Society’s position that Australians are merely paid NASA actors (seriously, read it here). Nonetheless, unless it is a major business deal or a call about our offspring spewing red dye on brand new carpet still within the “same as cash” payment period, we men typically will not engage in telephone conversation of any kind, except to maybe order food or calm an angry significant other about those strange pictures of Richard Nixon on our phones “I swear sweetie, it was a telephone consultation with my urologist. Honest!”

Hand washing: on behalf of all men, I will apologize to the female gender because, chances are, it was one of foolish number who chose to ignore the typical convention on handwashing to the point where the “employees must wash hands” signs are now posted. Men are, as a general rule, fairly clean creatures when the occasion calls but some of us choose to live as eternal cavemen, and will do anything in our power to buck the systems even if it means hands which look like they just handled cattle dung and are coated in germs originating somewhere in the Crab Nebula.

Now that being said, having done some custodian work in my day, I’m not letting ladies off the hook here. I’m sure more than a few of you are guilty of the evils of maxi pad flushing, the “half wrap and chuck,” and leaving blasted panties hanging out of waste receptacles, and dont even get me started on the calculations I had to do to figure how urine hit the seven foot mark on the wall in a ladies’ room stall. While I empathize for the biological challenges your gender faces, I believe the mere existence of selfies in a ladies restroom is reason enough for men to receive an eternal scatological mulligan.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to use a unisex bathroom to OMIGODWHATTHEHELLHAPPENEDINHERE???

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