This is a special treat folks. I mean it, a seriously special treat. It’s going to be impressive, funny and the best blog post ever.
When I write posts like this, I like to think about funny things. I like to ponder ideas which make me laugh, like the sound of one of my cats hissing, and the other farting while they are looking away from each other, or when one of them jumps in the air and runs away for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Other funny things include the sorts of dumb laws politicians write to appear busy – like the Arkansas law making it illegal to honk a car horn in front of a sandwich shop after 9 pm. Seriously, it’s amazing the educators who run for high office don’t immediately look at those politicians and promise to pass a law to make them write “I will not be a boneheaded moron” over a thousand times. Of course, we all know that if educators made today’s elementary school students do that by hand, they would be branded child abusers. God forbid if they ever made them write in – gasp – cursive!
That’s not quite as humorous, however, as other things I see in the news. Stories about a naked man on crack attacked by an alligator, or drug users who try to bribe cops with fast food so they look the other way, those are what inspire me. I rarely see humor in Senate confirmation hearings, even when both sides’ heads look like Jiffy Pop containers ready to bust open from overcooking. What is funny, at least to me, are the people in the background holding signs which say “I’m with stupid,” which point at the candidate, or who make rabbit ears behind the report when they are on a live feed with the newsroom. Otherwise, to paraphrase Rick and Morty, it’s just drama class with extra steps.
Still, I promise you this particular post is going to be like nothing you’ve ever seen before. I mean seriously, I was put in Twitter jail recently for less, specificially referencing that age-old parental persuasion line “If your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you?” Twitter watchdogs regarded that as encouraging suicide! Seriously, I’ve wanted to off myself on more than one occasion, and some twit (pun intended but not really) decided this statement constituted encouraging suicidal tendencies, but it took them 10 years to ban Alex Jones? Yes, that’s the sort of thing which makes me want to write humor blogs, and this one will be a doozy. It’s the best blog post I’ve ever written, and I guarantee you’re going to like, or I will personally say something even wittier in the next paragraph. I’m going full tilt new car salesman on this blog, and you can take that to the bank in this next paragraph.
(waiting a moment)
(pausing to think)
(pausing to think some more)
(pausing even more)
(looking at the clock, pausing and stroking my chin)